"I just need a compass"

The quote by the way is taken from a song called Crystal Ball by Pink, which is lovely if you listen to the world "i wouldn't trade the pain for what I have learnt" I suppose in a way I'm like that, I wouldn't ever strike up a deal with someone if they said to me "i can take away everything that was bad in your life and you could forget" because I don't want to forget.

I know I talk constantly about being unwell but this blog was created for that single purpose, to highlight my good and bad days and for me to re-read at a certain time what happened. I suppose its a solid reminder to me later in life to be grateful, which is what I was talking about in terms of striking up a deal. I wouldn't want to take the deal because then I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't realise that there are very ill people in the world, and in terms of my illness I am a pin hole in the world.

The hospital I'm at is the centre of excellence and most people are very ill, and when I "people watch" I feel more grateful for how my condition has turned out, as in I am being treated and can live a normal life unlike some patients who I see walk past me.

Anyway on another note my counts (white cell count) was finally above 5 so that meant that i .... COULD LEAVE MY ROOM :D

Yes! You heard me right, after FOUR WEEKKSSS, which is 28 days confined to one room. So me and my mother went outside... now for some I may seem like I'm over reacting but I haven't been out in 28 days, so we went into the patients garden and I found it sooo noisy in comparison to my room. The birds and people talking.... Anyway I sat out there and walked about then went to the coffee shop and had a nice salad sandwich after not eating a sandwich for the same lenght of time as I have already said. I swear it was like being five and given a balloon and chocolate or something.

My title is all about me finding my way back, and I think I'm finally on the home stretch in here in terms of being discharged. The doctors are hoping to get me out and allow me to live in the Dublin flat by Wednesday or thinking about it on Wednesday. Soooo the timer has been set in my mind and im just literally counting the days and trying to get the days through because I don't know what else to do in here (hospital)

So if someone is reading this (god knows) and needs encouragement about anything (self confidence, breakups, sadness) I just want to let you know that eventually everyone finds there way back to where they are meant to be... or where they are meant to be going. It may take some time but eventually you get there, because what else can you do but get there? You can't just sit on your bum and cry.... well occasionally we all can... but you get me

If you get sad listen to "higher" by saturdays with the remix of the man in it (the rapper, not sure of his name) because that can cure all things.

xo

To Sink or Swim?

It's now my third week in isolation, after five days of high intense chemo, a stem cell transplant, a throat infection and not being able to walk due to having no blood counts.

I suppose in a sense when I re-read that, I have come a long way, but this isolation room is getting me down... big style. I have suddenly realised that after three years of continous treatment for my disease that I am ill. Normally I say "awk im grand" and smile or laugh and say "soon be okay" But at the minute I just can't seem to do that anymore. It's like i have come down to Dublin to get this done and suddenly realised that it has taken another human being to save my life, to make me better.

Since the age of 16 I have been ill and i think finally I have realised that I was not in the dream land I created for myself, were I had to being constantly busy because if i wasn't then I would sink and no one would rescue me.

Soooo the question to sink or swim seems simple enough, I want to swim, I want to reach the shore where all my friends, family and boyfriend are waving at me, but somehow there has been a tide change and I'm sinking, and no one can reach me.

I sound highly depressing at the minute but I think it's because of the isolation room and not being able to see anyone.

Anyway that is my update, I'm still here, whether it be swimming or sinking. You can't run away from anything I have realised.

So my question to you lot..... Would you be a sinker or a swimmer. I hope you are all both, because no one can be that strong that you can constantly being swimming, no one is super human. No one.

Kidnapped. Send the ransom money!

Bonsoir fellow bloggers of the world... I am now in my sterile room of luxury... NAT! This room is so sterile that I don't even want to move. I haven't got treatment yet but my mum is still wearing a apron and has to leave her cardy in the air compression part of my room before she is allowed into my ACTUAL room.

The TV doesn't work, the nurse alarm bell is attached to what i can only describe as a 1940s radio alarm thingy BUT on the up side they have prepared the bathroom for what looks like daily pee tests, MYYY LUCKY DAY. Awk no, I do realise it all needs to be done. The sterile room to stop me getting infections and the tests to see if I'm okay but...I dunno, feels isolated (even tho it is a isolation room)

I have my dongle for my internet and my two phones, along with my ipod touch for "FaceTime" so maybe I will bash away on these keys talking to my blog (which I'm not sure anyone reads lol)

The flat itself for when I am allowed out of hospital BUT not back home is smashing. Really nice and only like 10 minutes away from the hospital (one direction) and in the other direction the main city places.

I have noticed that Dublin folk (no offense) love a drink, a bar on every corner. I actually came across a street which there was a bar after another one and so onnn....

Am I rambling? Probably because I'm currently waiting on a doctor to admin me and then blood tests out of my bruised wee hickman line (can't be bothered this time to name them i.e. the hickman line)

The only up shot is that someone out there VERYYYY kindly decided to give me their immune system.... so I think I should focus on that and realise that its all for my own good....

In saying that I am still wanting someone to send the ransom money to get me outta here. Only kidding... or am I?