"I just need a compass"

The quote by the way is taken from a song called Crystal Ball by Pink, which is lovely if you listen to the world "i wouldn't trade the pain for what I have learnt" I suppose in a way I'm like that, I wouldn't ever strike up a deal with someone if they said to me "i can take away everything that was bad in your life and you could forget" because I don't want to forget.

I know I talk constantly about being unwell but this blog was created for that single purpose, to highlight my good and bad days and for me to re-read at a certain time what happened. I suppose its a solid reminder to me later in life to be grateful, which is what I was talking about in terms of striking up a deal. I wouldn't want to take the deal because then I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't realise that there are very ill people in the world, and in terms of my illness I am a pin hole in the world.

The hospital I'm at is the centre of excellence and most people are very ill, and when I "people watch" I feel more grateful for how my condition has turned out, as in I am being treated and can live a normal life unlike some patients who I see walk past me.

Anyway on another note my counts (white cell count) was finally above 5 so that meant that i .... COULD LEAVE MY ROOM :D

Yes! You heard me right, after FOUR WEEKKSSS, which is 28 days confined to one room. So me and my mother went outside... now for some I may seem like I'm over reacting but I haven't been out in 28 days, so we went into the patients garden and I found it sooo noisy in comparison to my room. The birds and people talking.... Anyway I sat out there and walked about then went to the coffee shop and had a nice salad sandwich after not eating a sandwich for the same lenght of time as I have already said. I swear it was like being five and given a balloon and chocolate or something.

My title is all about me finding my way back, and I think I'm finally on the home stretch in here in terms of being discharged. The doctors are hoping to get me out and allow me to live in the Dublin flat by Wednesday or thinking about it on Wednesday. Soooo the timer has been set in my mind and im just literally counting the days and trying to get the days through because I don't know what else to do in here (hospital)

So if someone is reading this (god knows) and needs encouragement about anything (self confidence, breakups, sadness) I just want to let you know that eventually everyone finds there way back to where they are meant to be... or where they are meant to be going. It may take some time but eventually you get there, because what else can you do but get there? You can't just sit on your bum and cry.... well occasionally we all can... but you get me

If you get sad listen to "higher" by saturdays with the remix of the man in it (the rapper, not sure of his name) because that can cure all things.

xo

To Sink or Swim?

It's now my third week in isolation, after five days of high intense chemo, a stem cell transplant, a throat infection and not being able to walk due to having no blood counts.

I suppose in a sense when I re-read that, I have come a long way, but this isolation room is getting me down... big style. I have suddenly realised that after three years of continous treatment for my disease that I am ill. Normally I say "awk im grand" and smile or laugh and say "soon be okay" But at the minute I just can't seem to do that anymore. It's like i have come down to Dublin to get this done and suddenly realised that it has taken another human being to save my life, to make me better.

Since the age of 16 I have been ill and i think finally I have realised that I was not in the dream land I created for myself, were I had to being constantly busy because if i wasn't then I would sink and no one would rescue me.

Soooo the question to sink or swim seems simple enough, I want to swim, I want to reach the shore where all my friends, family and boyfriend are waving at me, but somehow there has been a tide change and I'm sinking, and no one can reach me.

I sound highly depressing at the minute but I think it's because of the isolation room and not being able to see anyone.

Anyway that is my update, I'm still here, whether it be swimming or sinking. You can't run away from anything I have realised.

So my question to you lot..... Would you be a sinker or a swimmer. I hope you are all both, because no one can be that strong that you can constantly being swimming, no one is super human. No one.

Kidnapped. Send the ransom money!

Bonsoir fellow bloggers of the world... I am now in my sterile room of luxury... NAT! This room is so sterile that I don't even want to move. I haven't got treatment yet but my mum is still wearing a apron and has to leave her cardy in the air compression part of my room before she is allowed into my ACTUAL room.

The TV doesn't work, the nurse alarm bell is attached to what i can only describe as a 1940s radio alarm thingy BUT on the up side they have prepared the bathroom for what looks like daily pee tests, MYYY LUCKY DAY. Awk no, I do realise it all needs to be done. The sterile room to stop me getting infections and the tests to see if I'm okay but...I dunno, feels isolated (even tho it is a isolation room)

I have my dongle for my internet and my two phones, along with my ipod touch for "FaceTime" so maybe I will bash away on these keys talking to my blog (which I'm not sure anyone reads lol)

The flat itself for when I am allowed out of hospital BUT not back home is smashing. Really nice and only like 10 minutes away from the hospital (one direction) and in the other direction the main city places.

I have noticed that Dublin folk (no offense) love a drink, a bar on every corner. I actually came across a street which there was a bar after another one and so onnn....

Am I rambling? Probably because I'm currently waiting on a doctor to admin me and then blood tests out of my bruised wee hickman line (can't be bothered this time to name them i.e. the hickman line)

The only up shot is that someone out there VERYYYY kindly decided to give me their immune system.... so I think I should focus on that and realise that its all for my own good....

In saying that I am still wanting someone to send the ransom money to get me outta here. Only kidding... or am I?

Time to Jump....

I don't mean literally, I don't think I would even have the guts to jump but I mean mentally and what not. Tommorrow (tues 29th) I am getting my TRIPLE hickman line inserted. For those who don't know what a hickman does or were it is placed... Well I shall enlighten you all! (I sense smiles all round)

Hickman line is just another line to help give fluids and treatment but it is placed just above your chest and it goes into the main vein into your heart. It is different from the PICC line because its thicker and easier to clean (among other benefits) sooo I'm getting that done tomorrow, hence my "time to jump" title.

Other than that I have been uberrrr busy with university work, so that is why I haven't been on my wee blog in a while. I did a marketing presentation on Red Bull on visual communication, and I will post a photo of what my group's poster looked like (was taken on someone's phone) but I think we did well, positive thinking and all that.

Par from that I would looooveee a cold glass of WKD and some pub bant... ahh the luxury of having free time. I also miss my wee friend LJP who is away sunning herself in Spain. Why is it when folks go away you suddenly miss them more than normal BUT when they are in the same country as you, you sort of go "awk I'll ring them tommorrow for a chat" COME HOME LJP

Night y'all..... Wish me luck?

New Make Up and Old Shit

I haven't got much to tell you lot today, but I did go into town to try on my friend's bridesmaid dresses because her wedding is in June and she wanted to have the dresses finalised.

As i said before, I got my nails done on Friday (got gel nails) and I love them. But in town today I got Clairns Everlasting Foundation. I wanted a new foundation because Estee Lauder foundation that I normally use has become cloggy and thick along with being darker than my actual skin tone. Soooo I decided to change the brand of my foundation. I also purchased Instant Smooth Perfect Touch, which is Clarins primer (helps give a more flawless finish)

Lastly I decided to nip into La Senza because I seen they were having a 1/2 sale. I got a wee 1940s playsuit pj's along with a "pick and mix" 5 pair of knickers for £12. I love that idea because you got a wee old fashioned pick and mix bag with a black bow on it.

I'm just getting ready to head up to my boyfriend's house. OH! before I go, I changed my settings because unfortunately someone who I am not fond of decided to go on my blog. I know my blog was public but I didn't want the person in question to being going on and reading my boring posts, so I took my blog of the search engine and just kept it open to people who know the URL. Hopefully the person didnt go one step further and take a note of the URL. Maturity is a word that they are not sure of.

Byeeeeee

My St Paddy's Day

I know it's only six o'clock but I thought I would post all about my Granda's pigeons who have just had squabs (baby pigeons) and I have decided to upload the photos of them. There is two sets along with another one squab hatched, but there is more eggs still on their way to being pecked (I think another three are still to come)

Not many people know about pigeons or just see them as the germy bird on the street, but pigeons that are kept for racing (hobby only not cruel) are very timid and tame. They get used to their owner (my granda) and are happy enough to let him peek in and see the progress of their new baby.

I think I might call this one (beside the text) Paddy because it had only just hatched. They have to be fed by their parents for up to six weeks, which is different from a duck or a turkey baby because they can get up and feed themselves within an hour of hatching. I think the sqabs are rather cute, even if they are only just born.

Miracles even in a back garden of someone's home.

Baking and Annoyance

I hate when people give their opinion on a subject matter when all it does it anger me to a point where I get annoyed. I won't tell you what the subject was about, but I don't see why so many people who are close to me, give me their opinion on the subject matter when is has NOTHING to do with them.

I might seem rude saying that but it's the truth. I don't go saying to them about any of their subject matters so why should they give their opinion, which I did NOT ask for in the first place.

"You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine"

Think Sara Bareilles has the right idea about this song. I didn't ask for their opinions yet they give me them without any thought but I am never able to give my opinions, because I know it would only annoy them. Fair? I don't think so.

In other news I went to a lovely birthday party last night and brought my home made chicken and mushroom with thyme vol au vents. I also made a banoffee pie, which people hopefully enjoyed. I don't have any photo's at the minute but hopefully someone will upload them on to facebook (from the party photos) and I will be able to show you lot my wee vol au vents. 

Today I'm going to see my friend, LL (just going to put initials for friends, incase they don't want to be publicly on a blog that can be found via google) and I can't wait because I haven't seen her in a while. Should be nice. Then after that I'm visiting my boyfriend for a cuddle and a bit of television before heading home because on friday im getting my nails done. I'm so happy right now, knowing that I don't need to go into hospital. I think people take their average day to day life for granted. So maybe if you read this, just think how lucky anyone is who doesn't have any problems both health or social (ie falling out with mates) and maybe that will put a smile on your face, if you're feeling down.

Also Happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone, I'm having a quiet one but I think everyone else my age will be already drunk *looks at time* yep partying on down in the Holylands I think by this stage with their green hats and WKD's.... I wouldn't mind a cold blue wkd, but I can wait.

Well off im going to make a omlette.... x